Loving Sympathy and Good Advice: Helping a Bereaved Loved One

By Carolina James | February 11, 2019

This is the terror: to have emerged from nothing, to have a name, consciousness of self, deep inner feelings, an excruciating inner yearning for life and self-expression—and with all this yet to die.
—Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death (1973)

We spend so much of our lives in denial of our own mortality, it’s no wonder the death of a loved one comes as such a shock. After all, nothing reminds us of our own fragility (and that of the people we love) like loss. The armor we wear each and every day to protect ourselves from acknowledging that life is temporary is permeated.

As Sam Keen nicely sums up in the introduction to The Denial of Death (1973): “Since the terror of death is so overwhelming we conspire to keep it unconscious…So long as we stay obediently within the defense mechanisms of our personality, what Wilhelm Reich called “character armor” we feel safe and are able to pretend that the world is manageable.”

Later in his book, Becker talks about how forming relationships is a major avenue for coping with death anxiety; by merging oneself in what he calls a divine relationship with one’s romantic partner, this can provide a higher meaning to one’s life, thereby fighting against meaninglessness and death anxiety:

“The love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one’s life…As a Hindu song puts it: ‘My lover is like God; if he accepts me my existence is utilized.’” (Becker, 1973).

For people who have spent the majority of their adult lives intertwined in a relationship with another person, it can be particularly difficult to continue functioning without them. That’s at least part of the reason an elderly person coping with the loss of a loved one may find planning and carrying out the details of a funeral to be overwhelming and confusing. The emotional devastation makes it very difficult to concentrate and complete even the simplest tasks. There’s a lot to go through, many things to be done, and often all in a short period of time. It may be hard to provide help and emotional support. As a caregiver, you’re also affected by the loss and may be unfamiliar with many of the preparations that need to be made. Taking the lead in making funeral arrangements, helping with personal preparations, and being an emotional buffer during this difficult time are difficult but invaluable services, and they’re sorely needed.

In this article I hope to provide some resources that may serve as a practical guide for those in grief or those helping others through their grief.

The funeral
Try approaching funeral planning from a practical and objective standpoint. It’s important because you need to make decisions that will affect your loved one from a financial standpoint. Determine whether the deceased is to be cremated or buried, and how their remains will be disposed. It’s also important to gather information as to insurance policies and any burial benefits that could bear on the situation. It’s important to stay by your loved one’s side throughout the funeral and afterward. Oftentimes, a bereaved person will be hit hardest once the funeral and burial have been completed. Just being there for a grieving friend or family member is important during what is likely to be the most difficult experience of their life.

Next steps
In the wake of a loss and funeral, your loved one will have a series of life-changing decisions to be made. Whether their decision is to stay in their home or move, your loved one will need help disposing of the deceased’s belongings and beginning the process of downsizing. Moving can help a grieving senior move past the pain of loss and begin anew in another home and a new community, but it is generally recommended that a grieving individual delay making major decisions that involve assets and large sums of money. That includes selling a house that’s been home for years, perhaps decades. If the decision is to sell, assess the local housing market so that you can price the property appropriately and so your loved one stands the best chance of getting the optimal price.

Downsizing
Whether staying or moving, your loved one will need to take time to downsize and declutter by going through the accumulated belongings of a lifetime. This will be a gut-wrenching process, and your help and emotional support will be needed more than ever. Approach it systematically so you’re not bogged down in what can easily become a disorganized and aimless task. Your loved one will be inclined to reminisce and, as you assess whether to keep, donate, or throw away everything from clothing to furniture, there will be times when emotions overwhelm both of you.

Go room by room, assessing each object for its personal and practical worth. Make separate piles for what will be donated and what’s to be disposed of. Be patient and don’t rush; expect that it will take some time. Allow your relative to take the lead, but be prepared to provide both advice and a shoulder to cry on, because both will be needed.

Grief and dementia
Grief and mourning are how people adapt emotionally and psychologically to catastrophic personal loss. It’s important for everyone to experience grief. Individuals suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and dementia are no different. In fact, trying to shield someone with dementia from the truth to spare their feelings may only cause an unhealthy confusion. Nevertheless, grief can create reactions like restlessness and agitation. It’s important to tell someone with dementia that someone close has died when they are well-rested, in a comfortable place and in a calm, even manner. Speak in brief sentences and don’t overload them with information. As with anyone, it will probably involve lots of hugging and hand-holding.

Your presence is comforting to a bereaved loved one, and your advice will be a relief to someone who may be having trouble thinking clearly. Be patient and willing to listen—grieving individuals often need to express themselves verbally, an important part of the grieving process.

Carolina James created ElderAction.org with her husband after becoming caregivers for their aging parents. She strives to pass along valuable information to other caregivers and seniors.